A therapist slows the moment right down, pausing the familiar pursue-withdraw exchange, and gently asks what lives underneath the anger. It is not an easy and passive process and will require much conscious effort and self-awareness. It is important to recognize that the past does not have to predict the present and future experiences.
However, due to inconsistent early experiences, individuals with an anxious attachment style may find self-soothing and self-regulation difficult to get used to. These patterns aren’t permanent, but changing them requires understanding what’s really driving them and building new ways to find security, both in your relationships and within yourself. In adults, insecure attachment styles are not classified as mental health disorders – they are patterns of relating. Although early experiences and the resultant attachment styles play a significant role in shaping our approach to relationships, they do not seal our fate. Human beings are remarkably adaptable, and with conscious effort and a willingness to understand both ourselves and our partners, it is possible to evolve towards more secure attachment behaviors.
Calming your body through slow breathing or self-soothing helps you pause before reacting. These patterns can make relationships feel intense and unpredictable. With practice, you can learn to balance connection and independence so closeness feels safe. People with this pattern may feel anxious when relationships change or when communication slows. Recognizing this pattern helps you start building trust and self-soothing skills that support long-term connection.
Openly Communicate When Triggered
If neither person is aware of this dynamic, they can unintentionally reinforce each other’s negative behaviors and emotional pain. This push-and-pull can perpetuate insecurity for both individuals unless they consciously work to change these patterns. Licensed therapist Esther Perel offers one explanation for why opposites like this pair up in the first place. As she explains it, some people grow up needing more space and freedom, while others grow up needing more safety and closeness. You could even try couples therapy to work together to resolve any attachment-related problems within the relationship.
This is often rooted in inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving during childhood. This is their clinical and coaching viewpoint, not a research finding. Neither partner can simply stop without first understanding what the pattern protects them from. Usually, the anxious partner acts as the pursuer, reaching out for closeness whenever they sense distance or trouble.
Corrective Attachment Experience
Take our free attachment styles quiz to identify your specific patterns and receive personalized insights for your healing journey. It suppresses the need for closeness and leans on self-reliance, avoiding dependence on a partner who might not come through. Both strategies develop in childhood as the best response available at the time, and neither is a character flaw. Allowing your partner to voice their anxieties can help them understand the flaws in their way of thinking. Validate their emotions, but also challenge the narrative that led them to feel anxious and insecure.
How To Move From Anxious Attachment To Secure
- This will empower you and allow you to communicate more effectively, thus improving the overall quality of your relationships.
- Schrage, K. M., Impett, E. A., Topal, M. A., Harasymchuk, C., & Muise, A.
- The good news is that with awareness and the right approach, it’s possible to heal these patterns and develop more secure, fulfilling connections.
The more you practice ikigai, the easier it will be to notice when your boundaries are challenged—and when to honor yourself first. After all, you must take care of yourself before you can really serve others in the way you truly want to—not to win their approval, but because doing so is meaningful and brings you fulfillment. Watch Dr. Diane Poole Heller explain how to approach the questions, what relationship to keep in mind, and how to use your results for personal reflection. You see, our attachment style is the “original blueprint” for how we perceive, connect with and relate to others and the world around us. Learning to trust in your ability to cope and be happy on your own means having effective ways to manage your anxiety.
Challenging our thoughts and beliefs can help self-soothe the anxious attachment style by focusing on the reality of your relationship instead of immediately catastrophizing. Justin completed his Master of Social Work (MSW) at Saint Louis University, where he graduated as part of the Phi Alpha Honor Society. He has certifications in Co-Occurring Disorders and Medication Assisted Recovery. Justin’s training and approach include evidence-based practices designed to help people change the way they think, which can effectively change the world around them. These techniques combined with a strong sense of empathy and a strengths-based approach have allowed him to help his clients realize their full potential.
Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in relationships. Therefore, engaging with a therapist who can explore any unhelpful beliefs, emotional triggers, and anxious behaviors can be immensely beneficial. Pursuers need to become more responsible for themselves and distancers more responsible to their partners. Distancers need to uncover their vulnerability, honor their need for love, set boundaries verbally, and learn to receive. The result is a more secure interdependent relationship, rather than a codependent relationship or solitude with a false sense of self-sufficiency. Distancers need someone pursuing them to sustain the emotional needs that they largely disown and which wouldn’t be met by another avoider.
Does he or she try to meet your needs or become defensive and uncomfortable or accommodate you once and then return to distancing behavior? Someone who is secure won’t play games, communicates well, and can compromise. A person with an anxious attachment style would welcome more closeness, but still need assurance and worry about the relationship. Even people who feel independent when on their own are often surprised that they become dependent once they’re romantically involved. This is because intimate relationships unconsciously stimulate your attachment style and either trust or fear from your past experiences. It’s normal to become dependent on your partner to a healthy degree.
Justin’s approach is to treat the whole person, which includes a holistic approach with the understanding that oftentimes mental health difficulties co-occur simultaneously and impact one another. Kelleher notes that strategies based in avoidance—ignoring your emotions or suppressing your needs—rarely work for her clients with anxious attachment. The solution isn’t to stop feeling; it’s to change how you respond to those feelings. If you still feel overwhelmed after genuinely attempting to self-regulate, then reach out for support. Neglect, inconsistency, rejection, or frightening behavior from caregivers can disrupt a child’s sense of safety and lead to insecure attachment.
In relationships, anxious attachers often pair with avoidant partners, creating a push-pull dynamic. Their opposite ways of feeling secure tend to clash, creating a cycle that repeats itself over and over. People with an anxious attachment style don’t act clingy or needy towards their partners all the time. Deep down, someone with an anxious attachment style believes that as soon as their partners get to know the “real them,” they’ll lose interest and reject them. Ultimately, the anxious attacher’s low self-esteem causes them to think that they’re not good enough to retain a partner’s interest in the long run. Even though romantic connections are something that someone with an anxious attachment style typically craves, they may still find relationships stressful and anxiety-inducing.
Some people find techniques like naming five things you see, four things you feel, three things you hear, etc., useful to get out of your head. Psychologists advise that it’s wise to “take a timeout and wait for the emotional activation to subside before making a decision”. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling, Goldenagesouls while very intense, is not necessarily a sign of an actual emergency. This might happen in the early stages of dating – for example, if one person is anxious-attached, they will be very sensitive to signals about where things are heading. Past infidelity or trust breaches can worsen these triggers – if trust was broken before, any situation that remotely resembles that past scenario will set off alarms.